What Not to Do When Your Girlfriend Runs Faster Than You

I have a girlfriend.  That in and of itself deserves its own blog post.  But there’s more to say on this subject.  We run together.  Well, together is somewhat of a misnomer.  She runs faster than me.  In all accounts.

In the 2015 Turkey Trot she beat me by about 7 minutes.  In the 2015 Kwanzaafest 5k she beat my by 3 minutes.  In the 2015 Cowtown half marathon she beat me by 15 minutes.

In the 2016 Dash Down Greenville she beat me by about 3 minutes with her fastest average time of 8:47 minute miles.

It’s weird having a girlfriend that can run SO MUCH FASTER than me.  It’s like I got exactly what I wanted; someone who can push me further than I could on my own.  She’s taking swim lessons now.  When she gets up to speed there it’ll be all over.

The other day we were eating with some friends and she brought a plate of green stuff over to the table.  I went up and got a pizza.  She looked at my pizza with disdain.  I said “what?”  She said “do you want to race?”  Everyone at the table was all like “oooooh, burn!”

via GIPHY

When your girlfriend is faster than you there are a couple of things that you can do in response.  There are also things that you should NOT do.

DO:  Focus on better running form
What’s interesting here is that the same running form that my coach suggested last year is the one that she uses.  I’ve been trying it lately and it’s really been working well without me having to exert too much more effort.

DO:  Eat Better
I said that I was going to eat better in 2016.  That was before I realized that there was going to be cake in 2016.  It’s been a battle ever since.

DO:  Congratulate your partner
When she does well (which is all the time), it’s really important to congratulate her.

DON’T:  Trip her while she’s running
You might think of this as a short term fix to a long term problem.  It’s not short term or long term.

DON’T:  Slip meat into her protein shake
She will know.  No, seriously.

DON’T:  Reinforce patriarchal gender roles
It might feel like a good time to say things like “this wouldn’t have happened if you were barefoot and pregnant” to her afterwards.  It’s not even true.

Trying to take off the first woman's Boston Marathon Number is not a good way to be remembered.

Trying to take off the first woman’s Boston Marathon Number is not a good way to be remembered.

We’re getting ready for her first triathlon soon.  Maybe she’ll start a blog.  Everyone’s doing it.  If she learns this tactic then I don’t stand a chance: