A Short Story: Don’t Drive Hangry or You’ll Have to Drive a Yaris

pictured: a toyota yaris. no copyright infringement intended.  Featured Picture via

The following is an absolutely true story.

Saturday I was super “hangry” while driving and I drove over a very tall humpy thing in a parking lot. Not the thing that’s in the picture, but taller. You know, the thing that keeps you from driving through a parking lot that has a crappy gas station that you would never use but you still have to get by it somehow.

Pictured: Something much smaller than the parking monstrosity that chewed up my car.

I drove over it and heard a huge POW when i landed. I got out and saw that something was dripping down. I went to a coffee shop and stress ate a chocolate chip cookie for the first time in maybe 4 months. #FatPants.  It looked about this ugly:

I took it to the shop and apparently it’s a transmission pan. The pan and the labor plus an alignment is going to cost $700. I texted this to my friend and he said “that’s an expensive meal.” I literally texted him back “[You can get] on these n*ts.” Yeah I’m 37, what about it? Donald Trump is president and Roy Moore is about to be a senator, I can say whatever I want. 

Also, I’m 37 and I own a house. Or the bank owns it, I guess.


So anyway, I reserved a rental car online and I “lyfted” to rental car place.  The lady looks at me and is like “we don’t have any cars” and then goes back to minesweeper like I was bothering her.  Wwhat did I order online and why was it there? Why didn’t the online place say “we don’t have any cars and you can eat a bag of sand?” It was the seinfield episode all over again. 

I get to another place and they have cars. I got a toyota yaris. because i’m a cheap bastard. No way in west hell I’m paying three more dollars a day for a corolla. *works neck* you can go straight to hell.

there’s a place where the cruise control button is in a normal car. in my car it just says “screw you cheapo!” It’s a whole thing.

I guess the moral of this story is don’t drive hangry or you get to drive a yaris.