Some Of The Thoughts That I had while Trying to Keep Up With My Girlfriend on a Triathlon

Last Sunday my girlfriend and I completed the caveman triathlon, a sprint triathlon in Flower Mound Texas. And man, was it something.

A word about me and Kim

As many of you know, Kim is my girlfriend. We love each other very much.

We’ve been doing racing events for over a year now and kim has beaten me in just about every single one.

2015 race for the Cure: she beat me by 1 minute.

2015 turkey trot: beat me by 10 minutes.

2016 cowtown half:  20 minutes.

2016 Tour De Fleurs (20k): somewhere around a freaking hour if not more.

2016 dallas marathon:  a freaking hour.

Her: 5 hours Me: 6:02 Done and done. #bmwdallasmarathon

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Last year in the caveman triathlon, her first one, she beat me by a few minutes.  Now mind you, the wet ground kept me from using my aero bars, but her run neutralized her slow swim and then some, leaving me minutes behind.

But that was also when she was slow. While I have been training this year more than ever, so has she. With private training in an endless pool and actually doing the workouts that her coach gives her she’s poised to have her fastest year yet.

His and hers.

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Race day

We barely got to the race in time to set up our transition areas. We piled into a little gymnasium adjacent to the pool near the swim would be happening. We put similar swim times down so I started right after her. I made my way through the water quickly after seeing a maneuver by another swimmer to kick off the wall and swim under the lane divider as opposed to going underneath the lane divider and then kicking off from the wall. I passed kim up quickly and then moved into the bike.

My transition from swim to bike was atrocious but my bike was strong. With an average of 17 mph (shut up, that’s a lot for me) I moved my way through the field and posted my fastest cycle time yet.

And that’s where things got interesting.

I got off my bike and went through transition and started the run. The run route starts in a path near the community center and is next to the end of the cycling route. So in other words you can see the cyclists finishing up the bike if you look for them. Which I was doing. I was looking for kim. And I found her.

Okay so this picture that I made with Paint explains where I saw her.  The red line is me on my run.  I started at the at the green dot near Gerault Park, ran through Heritage Park, out to garden Ridge Road, turned around and ran back through the park, then ran up on a path that meets Big Canyon Road and then back down to the finish, which is represented by the checkered dot.  The Green line represents Kim’s cycle; she was coming in to the parking lot when I saw her by way of the green line.  The blue circle represents where I saw her.  Remember that it’s swim/bike/run and there’s not that much more to go in the bike when I see her.  Maybe another quarter mile AT BEST which would take another minute on a bike at the speed she was going.

At that point, I started a mental…something. It wasn’t a dialogue per se because I was the only one there, but I was thinking pretty hard.  It went something like this.:

“Oh sh*t, there she goes!  I think she saw me.”
“She looks pretty good.  She looks strong”
“Oh I think she might pass me!  Oh sh*t she’s gonna pass me!”
“huff huff huff [I mean, I’m still running so I’m breathing hard]”
“Okay so this is a 5k.  So I need to be ahead of her when she starts running.  Like, far ahead.  How far ahead?”
“Okay.  We started at the same time today.  So we’re equal there.”
“Okay, if train A leaves the station…”

Pictured above: Me trying to figure out how far ahead of her I need to be when she starts running.

“Huff, huff, huff”
“Okay okay okay hang on.  Hang on hang on.  Okay.  So, she’s a minute per mile faster than me on the run.”
“So I need to be three minutes ahead of her when she starts running.”
“Wait.  Why am I even doing this? I’m calculating how far ahead I am going to be in front of my girlfriend to beat her?  What type of sh*t is this?”
“Wait.  How can I even call myself a feminist when I am calculating this sort of thing?  I’m such a sh*tty feminist!”
“Huff, huff, huff.”
“Okay we’re gonna have to come back to this existential crisis later.”
“So from where she is, she has a minute left on the bike.  And then 2 minutes in transition.  So I should make it as long as I can stay around 10:30 minute miles.”
“Gawd this is fast for me.  Maybe I should just give up and let her have it.”
“No, I can do this, I can make it.”
“Huff, huff, huff.”
“Okay, turn around.  Is she back there? [looks back] Okay not yet.  Let’s keep going.”

This went on for another 20 minutes or so until I got to the finish.  I finished ahead of her.  At this point I don’t know if that was a moral victory or what.  Also, no word on how much time I lost turning my body to look back and see if she was there.

Ultimately I finished in 1 hour and 21 minutes, my fastest time yet for a triathlon and qualifying me for the Best of the Best Triathlon in November, which is another reason I can’t get fat.  Ugh.  So many reasons.

here’s the proof. i figured this was for fast people. now i got one. whatever you say, racing company.

So now I have to keep training so I can not get embarrassed at this thing.  So if I win my age group does that make me the “best of the best of the best?”  That reference is for Chris.

I will be 100 years old and still never get over this scene. Freakin’ Jake Jensen, man. With honors.

Caveman triathlon. PR’ed by 9 minutes or so. Not a bad morning.

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As for Kim and I, it’s only a matter of time at this point.  She’ll be faster than me by the next triathlon if not already. She’s been working up a storm and I’m happy for her.

Fun With Facebook Comments: Tomi Lahren Version

So I look at this funny media company called Cafe.  It’s awesome.  One thing that they particularly do well is supercuts of other people looking ridiculous.  Like the thing below of all the times Tomi Lahren has wiggled her hands to say goodnight on her TV show.

Hang on, we need to take a brief aside to talk about Tomi Lahren.

I mean, basically, Tomi Lahren is terrible.  I get that this is America and the market allows her to have a TV show, but I paid for this website that nobody reads so I get to say that she’s terrible.  She got her appeal by talking crap about people.  She’s what happens if the internet comment section took human form.  She’s a snowflake that talks about other people being snowflakes.  She’s a riddle wrapped in an enigma.  She’s what happens when you try to divide by zero.

She got on The View and said that she was pro-choice and she got suspended for it.  She’s probably done at TheBlaze.  Not that any of that matters.  This is what I said the other day about her, attached to this video.

Yes i heard that Tomi Lahren got suspended and is probably done at TheBlaze. and I want to say LOOKATGAWD* but we all know she’s going to get a job at Fox News. I mean, at least TheBlaze doesn’t get picked up by 24 hour fitness so I don’t have to watch her there.

And if they don’t pick her up then maybe she’ll be the flagship anchor for Breitbart TV (which will be mandatory in 2018, Paul Ryan is writing it into his budget while he does P90X). Or maybe her and Milo will do a podcast together. Who knows?

Also, one time i was at LA fitness working out (i have two gym memberships again, because F logic. also LA fitness locker rooms are musty AF) and there was fox news on one TV and Golf on the other. I fell asleep on the treadmill.

*from Awesomely Luvvie

I for one, can’t wait for that Milo/Tomi Podcast.  I think I’ll eat a bunch of KFC Double Downs and wait for the darkness to envelop me during the first episode.

But anyway, that’s not why I’m writing this.  Watch that clip again.  In the first couple of seconds she says she’s “from Dallas.”  Hold on just one second.

Tomi Lahren is not from Dallas.  At all.  Not now, not ever.  I don’t care if she does these shows, SHE. IS. NOT. FROM. DALLAS.  full stop.  Dallas is tolerant.  Dallas is kind.  Dallas is liberal.  As someone who IS from Dallas, I rebuke this.  We are Deep Ellum, we are Cedar Springs at Oaklawn, we are Oak Cliff.  We are the Rose Room.

You are not from Dallas, Ms. Lahren.  A thousand times #Nope.

Therefore, my comment:

She needs to stop saying ‘from dallas.’ I am from dallas. We do not claim her. Under no circumstances do we claim this foolishness.”

Clearly not as much love as my other recent comment, but good nonetheless.

UPDATE:  It looks like Tomi lost her job or is going to lose it maybe.  On the one hand, I like for people to have jobs, but on the other hand, she works for Glenn Beck and he gets to set the tone.  She’ll land on her feet I’m pretty sure.

Also, this will never not be funny.


A Couple of Questions I’d Like to Get Answered re: Alton Sterling and Philandro Castille Since “We Don’t Have All The Facts”

This past week was horrible.  Alton Sterling and Philandro Castille were killed by police, among others.  In retaliation, 11 Dallas police officers were shot on July 7th with five of them succumbing to their wounds.  It’s all horrible.  I will post my feelings on the deaths of the officers at a future date.

When people are shot and killed by the police people get mad and post things online.  Sometimes they are met with the response of “we don’t have all the facts yet.”  This happens often and for a myriad of reasons.

Quite honestly, “we don’t have all the facts yet” sounds a lot like a way to shut something down.  That might not be what you think it means, but that is what I take from it.  Seeing as though “we don’t have all the facts yet,” I have some questions of my own that I would like to get answered.  You know, seeing as though we don’t have all the facts…

First Question:  What portion of the facts do we need before we can be upset about something?

So “we don’t know all the facts” is a popular way to try to shut down talks about this matter.  But what amount of the facts do we need?  50%?  60%?  70%?  What amount of information do we need to be able to actually have this conversation?  And who defines those amounts?  And how will we know when we’ve made it?  Is there a thermometer available?  At what amount of information will we be able to say “okay, something is wrong here and we need to talk about it? And what percentage did Dan Patrick have before he said the most intelligent thing ever?

Next Question:  Is there a manual for how to make it through a police encounter?  And did Black America get that memo?

Philandro Castille’s shooting worries me the most because he did everything almost completely right.  He had no prior felonies** and had a permit for his firearm.  He even told the officers that he had a gun.  He had a long time job.  He did almost everything right.  And he is still dead.

There has been talk about his noncompliance with police officers.  He told the officers that he had a gun and he continued to reach for his ID because the officers told him to.  Many of my friends have indicate that a person who is stopped by police needs to comply with police officers because if they don’t then they could end up dead.  But when did noncompliance with police become a capital crime?  And in what state?  Can anyone show me that penal code section?

Meanwhile there are documented incidents of others acting badly with police and not being shot 4 times.  When it comes to this, what are we supposed to do?  How are black people supposed to make it through police encounters?  Is there a memo as to how to make it through an encounter with police?  And if so can we get that memo?  Did you forget to CC us? Did you leave it on the printer for the cleaning crew to come and get?

If you can keep from shooting us, that would be great...

Since that memo is still on the printer, there are several resources that I’ve seen online.  Parents, if you have a child, then show this to them when they reach 10 years of age.  Or however old Tamir Rice was.  Go over this with them.  If you aren’t explaining this to them, then you aren’t parenting.

Next Question:  When is Black America going to start the #BurnYourNRACardChallenge?

At first when I was going to write this I was wondering when the NRA was going to make a statement backing up Castille at least**.  But no statement came.  It seemed hypocritical that the leading gun rights association wouldn’t make a statement as to whether a person who legally carried a firearm had a right to not get shot with it by the police.

I wasn’t alone in thinking that apparently.  The NRA did finally make a statement:

I guess they’re waiting because “we don’t have all the facts yet.”

When did the NRA become TheBlaze?  The NRA is not for black people.  It’s pretty clear.  Any black member of the NRA should burn their membership card.  We chould make it the #BurnYourNRACardChallenge.  Go ahead and use that song from the #RunningManChallenge.  It’s catchy.

I hope we get those questions answered.  I’ll be sitting here learning how to contour my nose so I don’t get implicated in a robbery and get shot for it.

**Alton Sterling had priors (and as such, was legally prohibited from having a firearm at least on the federal level), but having a criminal record is not a capital offense punishable by death.  It just isn’t.